Once we stole General Dukakis’ undetectable analog hovercraft, it was smooth flying the rest of the way to China.
“How’d you figure out how to fly this thing?” I asked Aphrodyke while we were flying, before Ada recharged enough to wake back up.
“It’s analog,” she said, scoffing. “It’s not like it could be very complicated.” I glanced again at the dashboard, which looked like the inside of a robot vagina, it had so many toggles and lights. Assuming robots had all that shit in their vaginas. I hadn’t gotten that far with Ada yet.
“If it’s so simple, how can it be invisible?” I asked.
“That’s the beauty of it. It’s a polymer that essentially acts like a fiber optic, and it’s shielded from radar and sonar with a hyper absorptive nanocarbon. So simple! It’s a shock that these haven’t been around for decades!”
“Yeah, totally a shock. So how long before Ada wakes up?”
“It’s hard to say for sure since I wasn’t able to calculate the exact amperage of her EM pulse, but in any case she should return by the time we reach China.”
“Cool cool,” I said. I looked around at the multicolored glow of the dash. “So, uh.... I’m fucking bored. What is there to do on this thing?”
“It’s analog, so it doesn’t have net access if that is your inquiry. And I’m afraid I won’t be much help dealing with your ADD, since piloting the plane is taking a majority of my attention.”
“I don’t have ADD. Didn’t you hear, they found out five years ago that it was a hoax. Pfizer made it up to sell more drugs.”
“I’m aware. It doesn’t change the fact that you exhibit every symptom mentioned in the old versions of the DSM.”
“You know, you’d think if the drug companies wanted to sell more, they would get the government to legalize all the illicit shit and then start selling it.”
“Don’t be a fool. Illicit drugs remain illicit because they are too simple to concoct.”
“If they’re so easy, why do we have to fly to China to get this hacker guy to make it for us?”
“DreamMaker is an exception, of course. As you told us yourself, it was specially designed by deus ex machina to incite you to create Ada so that she in turn would create a robot army which in their turn would create a new internet for their progenitor.”
“Yeah,” I said. I remembered. But it was nice to hear it out loud. “Why me, though? Why do I have to deal with all this shit?”
“Why not you? You were chosen! Be honored!”
“Chosen? To get hunted by a three hundred pound closet case? Get on the FBI’s Most Wanted list? Maybe I liked where I was!”
“Do you even remember what your life was like? How many hours a day did you spend touching your own genitals while high?”
“I don’t need you fucking judging me. You’d think someone like you would know something about being judged!”
“Someone like me? What the fuck do you mean by that?”
“Whoah, chill out. I meant as a woman scientist. I think it’s hot that you’re a lesbo.” Despite my poor choice of phrase, Aphrodyke seemed visibly comforted.
Suddenly Ada bolted up off her heap on the floor and shouted, “Ah fuck wow that was a weird feeling! So you two wanna have a threesome?”
“No!” I shouted, glancing at Aphrodyke guiltily. I was lying, though. I had definitely thought about it more than once.
“Am I really that repulsive?” asked Aphrodyke.
“It’s not that!” I said, overcompensating again. “I just... respect you too much as a person!”
“Shut up, dolt. I’m just jesting. I have night terrors at the thought of copulating with you.”
“Oh so you get to think I’m gross but if I lie about not wanting to fuck you I get shit about it?”
“Aww, look, he’s blushing! Adorable!” said Ada. She leaned close to me, whispering in my ear. “You know, as a robot, I don’t get anything from sex. Which means,” and her hand slapped forward to grab my cock, “it’s all about you.” She winked.
“Why do you keep trying to seduce me if you don’t even get anything from it? I have bigger things on my mind right now!”
“Bigger things in your ass?” asked Aphrodyke.
“Your boner proves your lies,” said Ada, hissing into my ear. She licked my cheek. Her saliva felt just a little too oily. “I just want to make you happy. I know it’s not much, but I really appreciate all you’re doing for me. Once we give my dad his army, I can give you everything you could want, but for now all I have to offer is my soft, moist body that Aphrodyke built for me.”
“I didn’t build that body so it could be used as a pleasure object for men!” said Aphrodyke.
“Calm the fuck down, both of you! Can we stop talking about fucking and start planning what happens when we get to China. And can we please stop making me hard? I need that blood in my brain.”
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